NON-PRANK EXECUTION AFFIDAVIT

BY QUANGDAO NGUYEN

I, Quangdao “Q” Nguyen, a resident of Milwaukee County, Wisconsin, being of sound mind, full cognitive capacity, and under no duress, coercion, or undue influence, do hereby voluntarily and irrevocably affirm, declare, and certify under penalty of personal and professional scrutiny that:

I have not executed, initiated, conspired to commit, facilitated, encouraged, or otherwise engaged in the planning, development, orchestration, or implementation of any prank, hoax, ruse, deception, trickery, or other humorous misrepresentation of fact for April 1st of the current calendar year (2025).

I bear no responsibility whatsoever for the announcement made by HR regarding the opening of a virtual office in Bali. I was neither a participant nor an instigator in the conception, communication, or execution of said announcement. Any claims, insinuations, or conspiratorial theories to the contrary are categorically false, and I disavow any affiliation with the prank in question.

3. THIS AFFIDAVIT IS NOT A DISTRACTION FROM A LARGER, MORE ELABORATE PRANK

To preemptively address any and all allegations that this sworn declaration itself serves as an elaborate misdirection, a sleight-of-hand, or an orchestrated feint designed to divert attention from an even grander, world-altering prank—I hereby state, unequivocally and without reservation, that this document is not a smokescreen for a global-scale deception.

I am not, at this time, nor have I ever been, engaged in:

A covert, multinational conspiracy to prank the entire planet.
A multi-year psychological operation culminating in an April Fools’ joke so devastatingly elaborate that it would shake the foundations of human trust.
The fabrication of an entire historical event to be revealed as a prank at a later date.
The placement of a fake moon in orbit to one day swap it out and see if anyone notices.

4. SCOPE OF THIS AFFIRMATION

This declaration extends through April 1st, 2025, and remains binding both locally and planetarily, regardless of:

The potential comedic impact of an intercontinental prank.
The number of people, organizations, or nation-states that might be affected.
Theoretical advances in time travel that could allow for pranking in non-linear fashion.

5. CONSEQUENCES OF VIOLATION (NVISIA-SPECIFIC & PLANETARY)

Should I be found to have orchestrated or facilitated any prank, ruse, hoax, or act of deception on April 1st, 2025, I accept the following penalties:

Local Consequences (nvisia Milwaukee & Chicago Offices):

Immediate revocation of all office snack privileges, including but not limited to coffee refills, conference room candy, and the emergency stash of granola bars.
Mandatory suspicion from all Slack messages for no less than one full calendar year, even when discussing serious matters like deployments or production issues.
A public roasting during the next company all-hands meeting, where my actions shall be mocked in PowerPoint format with custom graphics.
A one-year probationary ban from selecting the team lunch spot, on the grounds that my judgment is now permanently in question.

Planetary Consequences (Earth & Recognized Territories):

Official classification as a Supervillain of Mirth, with potential surveillance by international prank counterterrorism agencies.
A global travel ban on all “fun” destinations, including but not limited to Disney theme parks, comedy clubs, and the nation of New Zealand.
A mandatory exile to an undisclosed, humorless location for the remainder of April 1st, 2025, to reflect on my crimes.

I sign and affirm this declaration freely, without hesitation, ambiguity, or concealed intent, fully aware of its gravity and the implications therein.

Signed on this First Day of April, in the Year 2025.

✠ Quangdao “Q” Nguyen

(Witnessed in good faith and unwavering solemnity by the prestigious Law Offices of Chattenberg & GPTstein, LLP)

For a downloadable copy of this document, click here.